The Disclaimer And Why

Disclaimer 1: All documents are my documents to share. Documents will come from Raytheon, Eglin AFB, 7th Special Forces Group, and more. All emails, texts, photos and videos posted are owned by me or addressed to me giving me full ownership and I have chosen to share them. All screenshots, photos, messages, and more shared by Clarissa Mann, Tawnee Mark Hall, Tamara Hodges, Robert(Bobby) Hodges, Clancy Mann, Samuel Guest, and more were publicly posted and/or directly sent to me, or sent to friends/acquaintances who have given me permission to share and are legally shareable. Via “Friend Hut” terms and conditions agreed to by Clarissa Mann, Tamara Hodges, and Samuel Guest have forfeited all their rights and agreed to allow me to share any and all information I possess or acquire for any use I may have. All names mentioned are actual people and their public profiles will be shared. Witnesses and Professional Witnesses will be blacked out in order to protect them, their families, and their businesses due to the gross abuse that was done to me, places I worked, and my children. Due to this Im afraid they may try and hurt them and anyone anyway they can. So again, for their safety their names will be blacked out.

I have made the decision to break this blog into parts. There has just been so much, that has happened that it is extremely difficult to really smash it all in a 1-2 page blog and call it a day. Especially, with all the screenshots, emails, pictures, documents, letters, and more.

I also want to quickly address my stance on why I’m sharing this story. Why I’m putting it ALL out there. And the answer is, because of three reasons: 1) All our lives we are told to hush and to make our lives look a certain way. We are told to suppress it, rather than face it. We are told to back down and stand down. Doing this is why more and more people get hurt. This is why these people go on about their lives, hurting more and more people. If more people would take a stand and hold a mirror to their abuser’s face, I feel the world would be a lot different. We have gotten way too comfortable letting abusers getaway rather than holding them accountable.

2) Because of the mass amount of messages I have received, stating how much I’m looked up to for my strength, courage, and ability just simply to be transparent and honest. Because of the mass amount of messages I have received, saying how much I’ve helped someone going through similar and they didn’t know what to do or where even to turn.

3) Healing. This is part of my healing. This is the little girl who didn’t think she deserved to show the strength she had and kept quiet for so long. This is the teenager who didn’t know which direction to turn. This is me, and my past me’s all coming together and taking the stand I should have always taken. This is me doing something I have never done, being the example of strength I want my children to see, breaking the cycle, making the change needed to push mine and my children’s lives forward rather than holding on to something that I don’t need to hold and have no place to hold. The definition of insanity is doing something the same way over and over again, expecting a different result. And considering how open I have been about all of this and how far my life has already progressed in just a short amount of time, there is no stopping me. I’m done going with the crowd and staying silent, I’m done listening to people whose lives go nowhere, and they are depressed and angry all the time, I’m done allowing what was done to me, and my children have a place to live in our lives when it should live with those who did it. Moreover, I hope you stay tuned.

How to Stay Positive

As a Single Spouse it is easy to have negative thoughts. We constantly have something going on and our days are never long enough let alone never ending. We do our best to make it look like everything is fine but the truth is we need some encouragement and someone willing to go the extra mile, or just a reminder of a process to get us back on track. These last few weeks, I myself, have had a hard time combating the shark tornado of negative thoughts. I’ve cried so many days and nights that I put new meaning to JT’s song “cry me a river”. I have been worrying about the new baby, building our beach home, battling the worst of the morning sickness, questioning if my son is getting enough play time and outside time, dealing with a nightmare client that made me want to give up Photography all together, the house being a complete disaster, if the house will be ready to sell in 6 months, if I’m able to combat my thoughts of suicide without medication, are my pain levels worse because of stress or this pregnancy, if my son will ever accept his sleeping schedule instead of screaming for 3 hours every night, if I can get over my overwhelming anxiety about the world to meet up with friends in order to build a relationship strong enough that people will actually consider me a friend to be there for, and more. All these thoughts just swarm like poisoned bees and play in my head like a real-life horror movie causing panic attacks. I’m constantly tormented by wanting to bluntly just ask for help and being horribly terrified that I’m worth nothing or they simply have way too much going on in their own lives and no one would ever actually come to my aid. It’s all exhaustingly draining. Which is what negative thoughts are. They drain you of energy and keep you away from making precious moments and having positive experiences that can easily help rejuvenate your mental well being.

I have been through a lot in my life from supposedly being abused as a baby, 13 years of religious abuse, raped 3 times, loosing my father, fiance, and both brothers unexpectedly, infertility, miscarriages, being in a mentally, physically, and emotionally abusive relationship, and way more. Moreover, since I am what I refer to as the “distant friend” for the most part I have dealt with most of it on my own. Some of these tragic areas I had amazing help but eventually I pushed them all away. Probably why I ended up marrying someone who is gone 70+% of time. So obviously, having the feeling of being mostly alone and being alone I have come accustomed to having to help myself I know what works for me and which techniques I respond the best to when I get so emotionally crippled I physically can not leave my home let alone shower.

When I start to have negative thoughts I do not always catch them right away. Catching the bad thoughts and replacing them with good positive ones is something that is easier said than done. It is amazing however, when I do catch them though, because that means i get to completely avoid being in a small sail boat with red sails in the murky, dark, depths, of a haunting monster-infested sea of mental instability, screaming, “HERE I AM, COME GET ME“. So here are a few things that help me and I hope that others may find them helpful as well.

1.Breathe

Take a few minutes to just sit down and focus on your breaths and stretch your arms. Close your eyes breathe in deep and dramatically and aggressively blow out your breath with all your might. Imagine each breath you take in is the beautiful warm rays of sun that hug you during the most perfect cool spring day. Then imagine you are blowing out the foul black water that is drowning your lungs into a waterfall that cleanses the water. This really helps me feel real if that makes sense. As if I am here and present that I have complete control of the moment and completely conscious of myself. It is absolutely okay to cry during this. I cry every time.

2. Write out a Schedule

I find that I personally work and feel the best when I have a dependable routine. So after breathing, I take a piece of paper and physically write out my daily and weekly routine. I do not make it strict because if I do and I do not follow it to a T it will send me into a complete panic and I’ll end up in a hole like the one I’m in now where I welcome the misery of isolation. Therefore, I’ll make a full day dedicated to cleaning another for errands etc. This helps me feel like there is order and organization.

3. Take Responsibility

Yes! Vile and noxious things have happened. Bad things happen to people every day. But playing the victim or even stating that I’m a victim of anything writes a bad future. It allows what happened to define and label me and for what? It just makes me miserable and attracts other bad things to happen. So I take responsibility and define my future by the joys of the goals I want to accomplish. I want to travel the world so I define my future like that and plan trips and start doing what I need to take that trip.

4. Dress to Impress

Dress to impress yourself not others. I do not always wear a dress and heels. But I do aim to always look my best and appropriate. I also never leave my home without a full face of makeup and hair done (unless of course, the occasion calls for it). It feels good to be all made up. And to have people tell you how elegant or beautiful you are. In Disney we went to a really nice dinner and I had my dress and heels on and a waitress came up to me and asked me if that was my husband and little boy that were walking out and I stated yes and she just spilled how incredibly impressed she was with how elegantly I carried myself, how well I walked, and how beautiful I was. It made me feel incredible! My husband doesn’t even compliment me that way.

5. Surround Yourself With Smiles

This is the hard part for me. This requires me to leave my box of anxiety. Having my son helps with this a lot though. Wanting what’s best for him and seeing his smile and hearing his little giggles and laugh give me that extra push that I did not have before. Taking him to the park and watching him play and get so excited is my favorite. But, I still have to force myself to see my friends. I never feel like I’m actually wanted so it takes a lot of pep talking for me to go. But once I go I never regret it. It feels like a pure renewal of life and breath of fresh air especially with how much I laugh and smile with everyone.

6. Change Your Thinking

I find this easier after I had a night out with friends, instead of thinking about the house being a complete catastrophe I think about how it’s lived in and how the toys everywhere are from my son laughing, learning, growing, and enjoying his time, how the dirty dishes are from this family having full tummies, and that my morning sickness means I’m creating a new and beautiful life.

7. Grateful Notes

I write down everything I’m grateful for and why. I mean everything. From having hot water to take hot showers/baths in, to having a refrigerator that keeps my food fresh and water cold. Sometimes I’ll even cut up and tape what I’m grateful for all around the house so that way I’m constantly reminded that I have many reasons to smile and be gleeful and exhilarated.

Remember, thoughts become things. Thoughts are healing. Thoughts are power! Thoughts create your reality! Stay positive and be who you want to be. Life is hard. It’s harder for some and can even be tragic. But don’t let it get you down for too long. It’s so easy to lose yourself to a poisoned mind. But you aren’t stuck being just one person. You can redefine your life and make it your own as many times as you want. Your thoughts and your feelings are so immensely powerful that you probably do not even understand the amount of pure overwhelming power you truly possess. Which is why it’s so important for not just myself but for everyone to do their best and be cautious of their thoughts and to keep them positive.

$25 Weekly Grocery Budget

We have decided to build a Beach Home. We fell in love with a model that was a bit over budget meaning now we have to save for the extra since we put our deposit down. So, for the next 6 months my budget for myself, my son, dogs, and the cat is $300 after bills. This means I have given myself a $25 weekly grocery budget leaving $200 for gas, pet food, and baby needs. Now the big question. What food and meals can I get with just $25? Let me just say the store brand will be your best friend and I’m expecting our second child so some choices are purely out of my craving or what I can just keep down. As my morning sickness gets better my choices will be healthier. Here is my weekly list for this week and the week after.

I shopped at Walmart. GV – Great Value

Week One:

Quaker Instant Oatmeal 10 packets – $2.48

Half Gallon of milk – $1.83

Boneless Chicken Thighs – $6.42

GV Flour Tortillas 8 ct. – $1.33

GV shredded cheese 8oz. – $1.88

Ground Beef 1lb. – $2.72

GV Rice 2lbs. – $1.26

GV Butter – $2.56

GV frozen mixed veggies 2lbs. – $1.94

GV Taco Seasoning – $0.44

Marketside Fresh Spinach – $1.98

Total = 24.84

This weeks menu, oatmeal, chicken and rice, tacos, chicken veggies with a side of salad, chicken or taco salad.

Week Two

Half gallon of milk – $1.83

GV eggs 6ct. – $0.62

GV shredded cheese 8oz. – $1.88

GV Grape Jam – $0.94

GV Natural Creamy Peanut Butter – $1.18

GV Bread – $0.88

GV Salmon 1lb. – $3.88

Green Giant Steamers – $1.98

GV Chicken and rice soup X’s 2 – $1.00

GV Cream of Chicken X’s 2 – $1.00

GV Chicken Noodle X’s 2 – $1.00

Knorr Pasta Sides X’s 2 – $2.00

Steamables Asparagus – $2.98

Birds eye Steamfresh Broccoli – $1.00

Total = $22.17

This weeks menu eggs, PB&J, soups, and salmon with pasta and a veggie.

So there you have it. Two weeks worth of groceries for UNDER $25 a week! Wish me luck keeping it down. 😂🤗

Investing Made Easy

Let’s face it investing can be overwhelming and risky. For those who don’t know anything about it looking at stocks, all day can be confusing and even scary. But there is one app that has been changing that for a few years now. That app is called Acorns.

Acorns is an investment app that lets people automatically invest spare change from debit and credit card purchases. It allows you to pick one of five styles of investing from conservative all the way to aggressive. You can make additional investments at your convenience or set up a daily, weekly, or monthly automatic investment. It will also never overdraft your accounts if it detects that you are low on funds it will send you an email stating they have temporarily halted your roundups and investments. If you have an emergency and need money. All you have to do is click withdraw and type in the amount you want and boom it transfers to your account once the stocks are sold. It’s incredible, fast, easy to understand, and convenient. And the best part is that it only costs $1 a month for accounts under 5k and .25% for anything over.

My personal experience with it has been awesome. We have been using it since 2014. At first, I was nervous because every day I would look and some days it would go down and other days it would be way up just like a roller coaster. So I’ve learned to just leave it alone and let it do its thing. We personally use it as our savings/emergency fund. This year alone we’ve earned quite a bit from doing the bare minimum with it. On top of that, we had quite a few emergencies and want to do’s this year like our air conditioner broke, vet bills, kitchen renovation, Disney vacation, and now a down payment for the lot to build our beach house. This app has come in handy for so much that I couldn’t be more thankful. This is better than any savings account because your money isn’t just sitting it’s working just as hard as you are or as hard as you want it to.

If you want to check it out and start your road to financial success or even just have a better way to save your money here is the link with $5 from me to get you started. You won’t regret it!

https://acorns.com/invite/ZGXKB5

Keto Snacks You Don’t Have to Make Yourself

When the spouses are away this is normally our prime time to try and get down and dirty with the work out regiments, dieting healthier, and really doing our best to be physically healthier all around. Well two years ago before the baby bug I lost a whopping 70 pounds doing the keto diet. And here soon I’ll be right back to it.

Now don’t get me wrong the Keto name has been getting dragged through the mud lately and I’m going to tell you this it is not bad! It is low carb, because yes bread and chips make you fat. No sugar, because everyone already knows sugar is super damaging to the body and brain, and for protein eat one gram of protein per kilo you weigh. But we all aren’t perfect and sticking strictly to that can be hard especially when the spouses are away and we are juggling everything! When we are running here and there it’s so easy to just stop and get fast food or gas station snack. So I’m here to help with SNACKS!!!! And hopefully, some of these will help you make it through your busy days because I certainly did not like having to make all my snacks I just wanted to go into my pantry or fridge grab a snack and go or head to the couch after a long day! So I’ve compiled a list of delicious snacks that can be cheaply delivered right to your door so you can do just that!

Number 10! – Moon Cheese!!!

Miss those tasty cheese balls in that ridiculously huge plastic barrel? Do not miss them anymore! Because Moon Cheese is here to save the day! These gluten-free and low carb snack is perfect to curb that bored hunger throughout the day! It also comes in four different flavors: Cheddar, Mozzarella, Gouda, and Pepper Jack. You can get them right from Amazon!

Here’s the link – https://amzn.to/2OJP2fE

Number 9 – Pepperoni Snack Bites

If you are like me and love pizza, wait seriously who doesn’t love pizza! Ok! So you miss pizza! Well, you can still have the pepperonis!!!! Yay!!! Enjoy the missed flavor with this awesome snack!

Here’s the link – https://amzn.to/2PkuEmv

Number 8 – Microwaved Pork Rinds

I have to be in the mood for these but they are still good! Miss popcorn? Well, these are not popcorn. But you cook them like popcorn if that counts. These zero carb and zero sugar snack are perfect for Netflix and Chill. JK maybe just for a movie by yourself lol. It comes in two flavors: Original and Hot&Spicy.

Here’s the link – https://amzn.to/2OLOsOR

Number 7 – Paleo Thin Crackers

That’s right I didn’t say, Keto, I said Paleo. These delicious low-carb, gluten-free, and 0 sugar crackers are perfect to snack on throughout the day! And perfect for when you miss Cheese and crackers. Or the perfect replacement for crackers when eating oysters or for nausea when pregnant!

Here’s the link – https://amzn.to/2nPmQfX

Number 6 – Just the Cheese!

Just the cheese reminds me of chips which makes for a great snack for work or travel. Just the cheese comes in three flavors: aged cheddar, grilled cheese, and jalapeño. It has less than 1 gram of carbs, gluten-free, American made, and 0 sugars. Great to stick in your purse when you are in a hurry.

Here’s the link – https://amzn.to/2PiCmO4

Number 5 – Snapea Crisps

These are seriously delicious! But you have to be careful because although it is low carb it’s on the high side for keto. So maybe save this for a day you don’t plan on having any carbs at all because you can not just have 1…….. 1 Bag… lol.

Here is the link – https://amzn.to/2wcoBrC

Number 4 – Lentil Snaps

These are the brother of the Snapea Crisps and Just as dangerous! So be careful! Keep your self-control in check. I seriously ate the whole bag without realizing it.

Here’s the link – https://amzn.to/2OHXs7w

Number 3 – Beef Jerky

Good ole Beef Jerky. This is my favorite travel/gas station snack. But what the protein! Beef Jerky comes in all different flavors and there are tons of different brands. But here is where I get mine.

Here’s the link – https://amzn.to/2vTASBY

Number 2 – Fat Snax (cookies)

Cookies!!!! Oh yes! Another favorite. Perfect to curb the sweet tooth and awesome holiday treat to get you by. There are three different cookies: chocolate chip, matcha, and peanut butter. Enjoy with some cashew milk and dig in. They also have a keto friendly tea. See keto isn’t all that bad.

Here is the link – https://amzn.to/2waFlj2

Number 1 – Keto Bark

My new number one favorite! And perfect for all my chocolate cravings. If you didn’t believe in god, I’m sure you do now. These are also perfect to get you through the holidays. Fight the holiday candy temptation and lose yourself in milk chocolate or dark chocolate if you prefer.

Here’s the link – https://amzn.to/2wdGV3t

There you have it. My top 10 favorite snacks and you can get them all easily on Amazon to make your life and dieting way-way easier!

Amazon Baby

This blog is a bit different from my usual style but I felt it was worth it because every penny saved matters. Let’s face it babies are not cheap. And traveling to the store with them can be a hassle. As a new mom, I didn’t think there was any way around it or any way to really save money, which was something that needed to be done since I wanted to stay home with our new baby. Then I found the Amazon Family program.

So I know you probably do not want to read a full blog on how this is so great and all the detailed benefits of it because you probably do not have a lot of time if you are planning for a new baby or taking care of one so let’s get straight to the details.

Amazon has a subscribe and save program. You subscribe to 5 products and save 15-20% on each product.

If you are not a member you can try Amazon Family for 30days free from this special link https://amzn.to/2B87tJ8.

For those with EBT or a Medicaid Card, you can get a Prime account for 50% off by clicking this link https://amzn.to/2MplGpI.

Once you have made an account you can start saving.

All you have to do is subscribe and save to 5 products (EASY WITH A NEW BABY) and you save 15-20% with the Amazon Brand. Best part it comes right to your door monthly! And it’s quality is just as good if not better than name brand products. How crazy, incredible, and stress-free is that?!?

Diapers they are so expensive at the store, (here) a pack of 30 is roughly 9-10$ with tax. But with Amazon, you can get a pack up to 54 for $7.80 and they send you 4 packs which total up to roughly $8 dollars of savings. Over six months time that’s $48 of savings.

Size 1 – https://amzn.to/2P4swPI

Size 2 – https://amzn.to/2BjNEPo

Size 3 – https://amzn.to/2B8SG11

Size 4 – https://amzn.to/2vGAFly

Size 5 – https://amzn.to/2nCIUub

Size 6 – https://amzn.to/2MqXSl1

Next what comes with dirty diapers. Wipes! Wipes have been a lifesaver for me. They are literally great for everything, not just baby! You can get a pack of 6 flip top wipes for about $1.70 each! Yay!!!

Wipes – https://amzn.to/2Moa0U1

If you have a diaper genie do not buy the expensive refills. With Amazon, you can get a pack of four refills for Just 16.99.

Diaper Pail Refills – https://amzn.to/2Bcl6XX

The next big one. Laundry. Dreft is average 13-16 dollars a bottle. But Amazon has the momma bear special where you get two bottles for about $19 and it does more loads!

Baby Detergent – https://amzn.to/2MqinhX

Next baby food. You can get 2 six packs for $12.60. At Walmart, you only get maybe 6-9 pouches for that price. They have a few different ones you can choose from but here are two links to get you started…

https://amzn.to/2vI3nlW

https://amzn.to/2vLC5Lj

Please remember in order to get this special pricing you have to be a member, which you can click the link above to get 30 days free, and you have to subscribe to at least 5 items to get the full savings. If one of the items above isn’t something you need you can subscribe and save to dog food, paper towels, toilet paper, and more…

Happy Babies and Happy Savings!!!!

The Appearance Guide

As single spouses we tend to be the elegant few and our lives sometimes tend to be a silent job. With this silent job, there are of course some silent guidelines or rules as appearance does end up being important at some point in time of our spouse’s careers and our own lives as well. So I have compiled a list of what a Single Spouse should follow because appearances are not just physical.

This is not a job that will pay nor is it one that you can put on your resume but it is in many ways an extremely frustratingly honorable one. But that is something you already knew when you decided to walk down that aisle or something you helped make the decision on after marriage. You become the backbone, the one with the strength and courage to constantly hold everything together and to handle everything on your own while they are away and sometimes even when they are home.

You are the window that shows everyone how well everything is held together. Everything you do and say directly affects you, your spouse, and your families life. So here are a few tips to help. A little “cheat sheet” you may say on what to do/not do and say/not say.

1. Stay away from the NEGATIVE people. I don’t care if they are your blood if they are negative, cause problems, not supportive, or simply just toxic just stay away!

2. If your spouse is military remember that he/she is the military member, not you. You are not the same rank as him. You do not have a rank. Her/His position is not to be used as a threat or a reason for respect. (Respect is earned through conduct and actions) His/Her command doesn’t need to be told every little thing about you and your spouses’ life because it is just that, your life and you need to handle things yourself!

3. Rumors are a no-no. Do not get involved in them. Any rumors that are heard and told are 99% of the time false and are only created to hurt others.

4. With time, people may not remember things you have done but they will forever remember the way you make them feel.

5. Do not under any circumstances speak badly of your spouse. Do not post on Facebook, gossip in groups, or speak to your friends about your argument or something he/she did that made you mad. Keep it amongst you and your spouse and work it out. Never allow others to give their opinion on your relationship. If you need to seek a professional then do so.

6. Drama/Bullying online and in person should be 100% avoided and ignored. The people who are involved and associate with these people, constantly causing the Drama and being the Bullies will never be viewed as people who matter. They are all miserable, self-hating, and selfish trash that will never be respected or viewed as a mindful equal. Their lives will never go anywhere and the damage they have caused to their families is irreversible.

7. There will be times when you see or have to deal with people who are negative, who are bullies, or who you simply do not like in these times you must do what they possibly may not be able to do which is rise above smile, greet them, and be polite even if it’s in passing. (I literally greet everyone I know no matter who it is. Unless of course I’m in a hurry or I see that they are busy and I do not want to be rude.)

8. People are their own people. Meaning they have different views, feelings, and situations. If their choices or way of life doesn’t harm you or others and it makes them happy just be supportive you were not born to control others and make them feel bad for being different than you. As the saying goes to each of their own.

9. It is ok to have a life of your own that others don’t agree with as long as your Spouse is ok with it. (This goes with #8) Just be private and respectful about it. No one needs to know how often you go out, how often you go to the bathroom, if you drink, if you work, if you are monogamous, if you are vegan, or whatever it is. Because again it is your life and no one else’s and it should stay that way.

10. Do not be the know it all person. You do not need to answer everything or have some experience or story to compare yourself or make yourself seem better in any way. Let people have their moment whether it’s good, bad, or sad because eventually, you will have yours too. And most times people just want a listening non-judgmental ear.

11. Be classy and remember regardless of what others tell you… what you do and say can and will affect your spouse’s career.

12. Always be grateful. No matter what. When you act entitled you end up making yourself look bad.

13. Do your best to always dress nice and be well groomed with a smile on your face. When you look nice it really shows how you feel about your life and yourself.

14. Know that your feelings are different than reality. Acting on your feelings alone can be a recipe for disaster.

15. Keep your opinions to yourself. If you are not an expert on the subject at hand it’s best to keep quiet. Especially if the subject is politics. (One of my weaknesses I’m working on it and doing well haha) If someone asks for your opinion it’s best to just politely say that you do have an opinion but in order to be respectful of others you would like to remain silent on the matter.

16. Be understanding. When something does not go right keep in mind that no one including ourselves is perfect. We slip up and make mistakes. We all do things thinking the worst and the best but what really matters is our actions when we see the bigger picture.

17. Stay positive with your family and friends. Only share positive moments with the world. Remember this lifestyle is hard on everyone. It’s ok to ask for help from trusted close friends but you have to stay positive and move forward….cherish and learn from the past, live for the day, and dream the future.

18. Last but not least Do your best to make coming home easy for your spouse. The adjustment period is always hard for you and them… remember their professional life can be draining and stressful they do not need to feel that way at home.

This silent job is really all about what you make it.  It is hard, with full of ups and downs but, if you work it right it can be absolutely amazing! Just remember to be understanding and do your best. We all have bad days and that’s fine. Moreover whether or not you want to follow these guidelines is also up to you that does not change the fact that appearances do matter in every way. I do my best to live by these guidelines as well, obviously, I’m not perfect, but who is? And since I’m a blogger this blog alone definitely has its contradictions. But in daily life, I do my best which is all anyone can ever do.

Super Wife

In my last web log I mentioned split lifestyles because sometimes I feel like I am four separate entirely different people living drastically four separate lives. I’m the ever changing unsettled party girl that finds pleasure in dressing up or down. A real intoxicating unpredictable class act. I’m also the super wife that gives ready and very much willing wet blow jobs daily, cooks tasty meals, cleans somewhat okay, making sure his every need and desire is met, and putting my friends on the back burner to spend time with him while he’s home. There is also the deep, dark, depressed, lazy, and worthless self that won’t get out of a comfy bed thinking how unintelligent, undeserving, and worthless I am. Sleeps anywhere from 2-20 hours a day. Finally, there is the super productive me that goes to the gym, eats healthy, wants to help every mortal and creature in the universe, and has so much drive and vision it is dementedly exciting. No matter who I am or a mixture of all for that month, that week, or even that day I’m loved and supported by my amazing friends and surprisingly enough my husband. But right now I’m the Super Wife.

My husband is home but there is a painful unfortunate because he will not be home very long. So my life at this time may seem a bit boring being the Super Wife since I do not go out with friends or do too much that requires leaving our home, but since he is not home often he is my number one precedence. Therefore, throughout the day I do the normal wife stuff. I pick up the house, plan meals out, do some loads of laundry, procrastinate on my class, play with the dogs, and run errands. Once he gets off work he calls me and we talk about his day and it is definitely my favorite part. It makes me feel special and like I matter. I feel like I’m his immediate escape from his mistress (his job). This is also my 30 minute cue to get dinner ready or to go get food for us maybe have a cold beer waiting for him and depending how our conversation is going wear something seductive and luring. When he gets home I always greet him with overwhelming excitement, I legit smother him with kisses asking him to continue telling me about his day as I make sure he’s comfortable. Sometimes that is me drawing and ice bath or a hot shower, sometimes it is me leaving him to play video games and understanding that he needs space to unwind from the day.

On weekends we watch movies together, discuss things we may want to do with the house, start projects, go out for a nice breakfast and enjoy the day drinking, go to parties that are thrown by his co-workers, host a BBQ, smiling, and loving each other’s company. Sometimes we stay indoors get a bit frisky (even while napping), teasing one another with making out like a bunch of kids under the bleachers, or giving each other BJ’s on the couch that eventually lead to multiple toe curling sessions in the bedroom, eating junk food, and just really taking advantage of his time home and trying to make it as magical and easy as possible.

I guess you can say I am his Jeanie and his wish is my command. Whether he wants an elaborate abundant breakfast in bed or a satisfying glorious afternoon delight I’m his gal. I love going above and beyond for him and it is the least I can do since he is the sole provider, he bleeds to put food on the table and a roof over my head, he protects me, and he loves me. But if you are just tuning in do not get the idea that our lives together have been a fairytale. My husband and I both have gone through quite a lot of growth since we have been together. We have hurt one another, we have fought, and we still sometimes do fight but we still continue to mature and grow a bit wiser with each day. You see maturity and wisdom is never earned or rewarded through the escape of something that is tough. They are earned and rewarded through the commitment of remaining in the face of struggle and finding a solution to overcome even when it makes zero sense at the moment. So you may think right now I’m boring but I’m doing what I’m supposed to do and I’m respecting my hubby and being his Super Wife that he deserves and I will always be ready and willing to be who he needs to be as he is for me. 

Hopelessly Vulnerable

I guess before I start really going into my split lifestyles and how being a single spouse really embraces them along with a supportive husband I need to let you know who I am and where I have come from. I’ll avoid getting in bed with specific details, I’m not writing a book or going over everything but I’ll say enough where you can comprehend so still buckle down this may be a tad long. I feel like my baby years/childhood is where most of my emotional issues come from. My teen years of self destruction and where I really learned to disconnect. To my now where I only have half my shit together with small successes, huge failures, and embracing myself.

 

I don’t remember being a baby and unfortunately every time I have brought it up to family and close friends it seems to be tragedy no one wants to talk about. From starvation, neglect, and physical abuse the stories are just something that cuts unimaginably deep. But I think the one story that’s the hardest for me to swallow but is also the happiest one starts out with an old dirty diaper, patches of hair missing, signs of starvation, and bruises all over my tiny body being whisked away to foster care. Six months I was with my foster family, they reported that I was a happy but distant baby, that I would stand up in my crib and just watch the door, if I did sleep I had horrible night terrors, when we went different places I was always alert and searching for someone, but no matter they wanted to love me. As time passed reports came in that I had a very loving family that were fighting for me, calling none stop, and doing everything in their power to get me back in which they succeeded. My dad and my nene drove 17 hours to meet with my foster parents to pick me up. My foster parents said that I seemed to be extra alert that day more than usual and this is the best part. I knew and I still remembered. My foster parents had to stop at the local Walmart for a few things before they handed me off and coincidentally my dad and my nene had to stop to get a car seat for me and long story short we ended up in the same checkout line. And that was it. I busted out screaming DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! DADDY! I squirmed, kicked, and wouldn’t stop screaming daddy until I was set down so I could run to him, squeeze his neck, and never let go. My nene said that my foster parents, my dad, and herself were just crying. They couldn’t believe after all that time and all I went through that I still remembered my dad. I mean it had been over a year and I was barely two. My foster parents were just shocked at how much connective emotion I was showing.

 

My nene ended up with custody and she raised me the best way she could as a Jehovahs Witness and really became my mom and my dad. I grew up with horrible emotional problems that I communicated in anger. At four years old I told my nene I didn’t want to be here that I wanted to go back into my mother’s tummy which my nene just cried for me. She didn’t know what to do and really ached for me because for so long I was aware of my pain, I knew I didn’t want to be alive, I knew the world was an unfair and hideous place. I was four! I should have never known that sort of pain at four years old. I was just a little girl.

 

I didn’t grow up poor or anything my dad made decent money, he was a computer programmer specialist at IBM, and once a month sometimes every other month he would come down and spend time with me for an afternoon, I didn’t need for anything because he would send money and help my nene, he took me on trips to different places and different countries staying in the nicest resorts. He paid for my scuba diving certification when I was 14 and all brand-new equipment. I had amazing friends that I got to see mainly my Nene’s friends but still dear friends. My nene would take me home to France to be with family so there wasn’t any pain or stress in my life. The only hurt was in my heart and in my head, that I carried to every place and through time.

 
After being raped at 15 I left home. I was a complete coward and couldn’t face my rapist in a court room so I moved in with my mother without really knowing who she was, as in I met her when I was 12 and even after that I saw a baby picture of myself and didn’t who the lady was holding me. Six months later I moved in with my dad because it just wasn’t a good fit with my mother she had a lot of mental health problems and I could hardly handle my own. But moving in with my dad was also not a very good choice.

 
My dad was a MENSA genius but also plagued with paranoid schizophrenia, alcoholic, and drug addict who was amazing at what he did but not very good at keeping his shit together. Honestly, I’m almost exactly like him without the addictive personality or the paranoid schizophrenia. Anyways tragedy struck within those three short years I lived with my dad. Both of my baby brothers, my fiancé, and my dad all died. I had been raped 2 more times, dropped out of High School, and started doing drugs. Tragic, right? It gets better. About 2-3 days after my dad passed away my step-mother came from Ocala and took everything forcing me on the streets with almost nothing. I had to stay with friends and was forced to figure things all the while my step-mom continuously harassed and abused me telling me she threw my dad in the trash where he belonged, truly an evil woman, until my friend had to step in and get the police involved.

 
Four months after my dad passed away, failure stepped back into my life. I started getting into drugs again, started getting arrested, and started to burn almost every bridge with every person in my life. I used all what happened to me along with my depression and anxiety as an excuse to waste away like the trash I was. I even landed myself in the hospital because I stopped breathing and had an out of body experience or maybe I died I don’t know. I smoked something I shouldn’t have and the only thing I was eating was diet pills and alcohol. Instead of taking responsibility for my shortcomings I blamed someone for drugging me or something, I just knew I didn’t want it to be my fault. The nurses kept telling me how beautiful I was and how I needed to get my life on track. They called my grandmother to come get me and I knew I had disappointed her which wasn’t a feeling that was unfamiliar. I had grown pretty used to disappointing the people around me and being rejected.

 
A week later I moved in with one of my best friends and her family. From there I was determined to do better and finally get my life on track. I really didn’t have any more excuses or choices at that point. With no car, no license, on probation in three counties, and on house arrest I was working 3 jobs none stop. Sometimes I even had to walk to work but none of that stopped me from promoting to management at one of the places I worked. With that promotion, I was encouraged to do and be better. Eventually I got my own place, I finished my probation, I got my GED, and I also got the assistant management position at another store. In between all that I met my now husband. Everything was looking up I was taking life seriously and by the balls. Nothing could possibly go wrong. EEEEEEEHHHH! After we got married my mind started to slip and for the last four years I have been alone at war with my depression and anxiety.

Well let’s fast forward to present day. I have an IQ of 126 so not smart like my dad or good enough to be in MENSA like he was, but I tried. I’m still married obviously. I just quit my MLM business after three years and I’m exploring real estate and scuba instructor interests. I forget everything, I have zero perception of time but I still have an unhealthy obsession of it. I can’t sleep most nights and when I do I’m waking up every thirty minutes – to an hour in a frightful panic or I’m having vivid dreams/night terrors unless I take a sleeping pill. Nevertheless I’m learning to master myself and find that controlled balance I need to allow myself to have a healthy not so together life.

Euphoria

When the spouse is gone we tend to think about seeing them again as we constantly and vividly imagine the home coming. We have spent so much time apart that we can not help but build a strong and deep desire to just drown ourselves in their presence when they finally come home. It’s like all of our senses have been drastically enhanced. They aren’t even home yet and we start experiencing strong lustful desires both sexual and emotional. It’s truly a beautiful and natural thing like a two week second honeymoon. Similar to the two weeks I experienced right before he left but rather than it being a loving and humbling sadness this was more of lustful butterflies in my belly and falling in love all over again feeling. And as I laid in his arms for the first time in over a month it hit me how helplessly and intoxicatingly euphoric this whole experience was and how I must share this high.

I had spent the day preparing for him to come home. I touched up the house, bought his favorite foods that I knew he would want me to cook for him. I spent hours getting all dolled up; making sure my hair and makeup was perfect and going back and fourth on what outfit I should wear. Meanwhile we were counting down each hour and sending provocative photos with seductive messages teasing one another building a lustful excitement and fervent urgency to be in his arms once again. It truly was a beautiful and enlightening wave of intense gratifying passion and he wasn’t even home yet.

Finally after hours of waiting he was two towns over. We were just a couple hours away from satisfying our deepest desires of being one again. I finished the last touches of my makeup, put the dress I picked out on, put his favorite perfume of mine on, and rushed out the door. I texted him when I finally got there and he rushed out the door and as he got closer to the car I got out to greet him. His smile was so eagerly genuine and so full of love that when his lips pressed against mine I knew in that second I was once again complete. After he put his bags in the trunk he told me he had to go back in to help his co-workers and then he would be back out, I sadly said ok but I told him he was driving home as I quickly got on my tippy toes and gently whispered in his ear seductively telling him why. He became quite excited so he rushed back inside to hopefully hurry the process along.

A couple hours passed by and I was growing increasingly impatient. I wanted my husband back. His mistress (his career) had him long enough. I needed him to escape her selfish grip and be fully with me once again. I started sending text after text expressing my severe deep desire to be with him which he quickly reciprocated. And then I saw him running to the car with a huge smile! This was it I selfishly get him all to myself. He jumps into the car and we start aggressively and passionately inter-locking lips. He started to lift my dress and I started to panic. We were still in the parking lot with people all over the place. So we left but we couldn’t manage to keep our hands off each other. As we passed the gate I started unbuttoning his pants and I pretended to drop something in-between his legs. We both knew we would not make it home so we went to our “spot”. It’s an off road that is pretty secluded so it has always been perfect for when he comes home or whenever we decide our appetite may not be completely satisfied from a regular lunch.

We shoved ourselves in the back seat and started fervidly kissing all over again. He lifted my dress and went down as all my senses started blinding everything around me and shot sparks of body tingling and toe curling sensations throughout my mind and body. The windows started to fog as he came back up and I sucked his lips as he gave me my favorite drug. It was like taking a hit of heroine and feeling every drop thrusting through my veins until it finally reached my heart. It was a perfect eye dilating, blackout high of the purest satisfaction and the absolute best way to have began the two weeks of euphoria.

As the temporary honeymoon phase started I must quickly mention this is a pretty natural, healthy, and much needed lustful two weeks because it assists in bonds that may have become weak over the course of time he was gone. We obviously were “entering the castle” like it was our super power which, is 100% natural our physical bond needed some repair since he was gone but that was not the only thing we did. We were also appreciating one another a lot more and showing each other that we were both each other’s priority. During this time we didn’t seem to remember what each other’s vexatious habits were, we were waking up with a ton of energy and love tanks full. Putting in extra effort and time in our appearance and in our affections for one another. And even though the world saw our glow the world seemed to have faded away and we were it. We focused so much on each other that one day we even forgot to eat. Those two weeks were truly a healing reminder for both of us on why we work everyday to become better people for ourselves and for each other. It was such an amazing experience and definitely my favorite part of being a single spouse since it does happen often.