The Valentines Day of a Single Spouse

As Valentines comes upon us most are planning special dates, finding the perfect card, or the perfect gift in hopes see their special someone smile out of pure love and happiness on that fateful day. As for the single spouse they may have already done this weeks ago, back when everyone was still excited and partying about News Years, just to make sure their special someone gets that special little gift right on time. As for myself my gift was a bit different and daring this year.

I stepped out of my comfort zone and did a Boudoir Shoot for Valentines Day. I do not like my body very much so I was terrified and nervous. For as many people that constantly tell me on a daily basis how pretty, beautiful, or even gorgeous I am, deep down that is the last thing I believe because unfortunately I have quite a few self image issues. Especially after some stressful and tragic life happened, that I will some day tell you about, I packed on the weight and then I packed on more weight. So naturally I haven’t felt very good about myself in a few years. But last year I lost 70 pounds and gained a bit of confidence back.

So as I tried my best to bypass my nerves i did my makeup and got dressed in my favorite shirt of my husband’s and started to follow the instructions for each pose. With every snap sound of the camera I became more and more nervous hoping they didn’t come out as ugly as I felt. And with every outfit change I started to feel more and more ridiculous. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. I mean who did I think I was? I wasn’t some super model trophy wife. I’m an over weight troubled gal covered in stretch marks who can’t get her life together enough to make it on time to anything. In my mind I had no way to look beautiful.

As we finished the shoot she showed me a few pictures and with every single one of them I found a flaw on me. It was either my hair, my arms, my face. I wasn’t even looking at the whole picture I was pin pointing and only looking at the flaws I knew would be there. But my photographer friend was not having it. She truly went above and beyond to make me comfortable and to give me confidence. I seriously couldn’t have asked for a better experience despite my insecurities.

On the way home I had a ruthless battle in my head between how ridiculous I was to trusting my friend and believing her that my pictures would be beautiful and then back to being so stupid to even think I was pretty enough to do something like that. I yelled at myself, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. And start to think how my husband would hate them and think I was fat, ridiculous, and ugly. Eventually I put it out of my head. I had to! Or I was going to break myself down and never come out. But later on that evening I broke down in tears anyways.

I was getting ready to go to dinner with a long time friend when my my phone pinged for a notification. It was a message from my photographer friend. I saw that she sent a photo and I knew this was it. The battle started again but it was quickly over as I demanded myself to look at the entire photo rather than the areas I hate about myself. So I ripped the band aid off and opened it and immediately started crying. I could not believe my eyes or my heart! I looked so.. so beautiful! The photograph that captured a special moment was so incredible it physically brought tears to my eyes. So of course I absolutely had to share with my husband. All my anxieties went away immediately. He could not keep his eyes of my picture and told me how gorgeous I was. It felt so amazing to know that through his eyes I was beautiful and that he longs for me to be in his arms once again. And I honestly can not wait until tomorrow to share the rest of my gift with him. And even more so when he finally comes home.

Two Weeks

Being a Single Spouse gets better with time but in the beginning it’s just as hard as wurtzite boron nitride (hardest material in the world diamond is the third hardest). I remember so many feelings flooding in and weighing down on the strings of my heart. It felt unnatural to be apart from him for so long and for so often. He had already taken a couple other trips before but this particular trip was longer than the rest. I did not know what to do with these feelings that were quickly turning into negative emotions. And the best part of the nightmare? He had not even left yet.

We were two weeks out from the day he leaves, I had known for months that he was leaving but it did not affect me until right then. It felt like someone placed a boulder on my heart. My feelings had finally turned to emotions causing physical agony to take over my body. I’m terrified, anxious, sad, angry, and just dramatically overwhelmed and abandoned. These emotions aren’t exactly new to me either, I experienced them before and quite frequently throughout my life, just never really learned how to deal with them.

Anger becomes the strongest emotion, a representative of all the emotions. The tension starts to rise and every little thing starts becoming a life ending anomaly. My world felt like it was coming to an end. There was no way to stop it. There was nothing I could do. He was leaving, that was that. And the most selfish thing about the nightmare? I didn’t stop to remember that i was not the only one going through all these emotions.

Fights broke out, the amount of built up aggression took a nasty toll on both of us. We completely lacked the preparation in order to handle what was at hand. It broke us down, he pulled away as I pushed, it brought us to a nasty breaking point. And since we were not married at that point we agreed I would find somewhere else to live.

A week has passed, the tension and anger has become a ghost gradually fading off into the past. We then started acknowledging that we could not let go of the love we held for each other. Almost as if our fates lead us to each other and interlocked instantly. Sadness and love started to settle in but love was the representative. His beautiful voice started to sing to me as we were locked in each other’s arms. But the worst part of this nightmare? He was still leaving.

The morning was here. It was roughly 3am. I remember doing my best to hold myself strong. But my strength was quickly swept away with the few tears that escaped the windows of my soul. Every fiber of my being was in a desperate rage screaming at me to plead with him not to go. But he hugged me and kissed my forehead, as he did this it was as if he pieced my strength back together just enough to prepare me to watch him leave. And then he was gone.

Hi, I’m a Single Spouse

Right about now  a few thoughts and questions are going through your head. Who are you? What is a single spouse? Is she an unfaithful wife? What does a Single Spouse do? So how about we squash those questions now.

First and foremost, Hi my name is Aerial. I’m 25 years old and I have been married for almost 4 years. Believe it or not even though I’m so young I actually have quite a bit of life experience from seeing parts of the world to being homeless on drugs with my life going nowhere. I have experienced love and buried loved ones as well. And even though I have quite a bit of life behind me I still have a lot ahead of me.

Now what is a single spouse? We are the men and women that are left to hold the fort down so to speak. Our significant others travel often or tend to be married to their jobs leaving us alone 60% or more of the time. When emergencies arrive we are often left to figure it out and deal with it on our own. We take care of ourselves when we are sick. We eat dinner alone and get the bed to ourselves. We show up to get together’s and different events by ourselves. We are the single spouse.

The status Single may put thoughts in your mind as to whether or not it means I’m a cheating spouse living her life as an unavailable bachelorette partying and going behind her husband’s back having a bit of secret fun with a random guy in the bathroom or parking lot. But that is simply not true. I love my husband and his wants and needs are very important to me and because he is away so often he needs and we need trust and we have to be 90% honest with each other. (That 10% is telling him I’m doing great even when I feel weak and the world is falling apart) Anyways no I am not a cheating unfaithful spouse.

As far as daily activities that is definitely something that will be different for all of us. Some are hermits and just enjoy staying home with a good book or movie, others go to the gym daily and stay physically active joining fitness groups, some party and party hard they enjoy the music, alcohol, and recreational drugs. Some get jobs and drown themselves in work, some surround themselves with family and friends, some prefer to travel or do a mixture of all the above like I do. But all in all we do what we can to keep the loneliness at bay.

Hopefully this gives you a good idea of who I am and what a Single Spouse is. That I’m not a cheating spouse. There is more than one and we all have different hobbies that keep us happy and busy to pass the time. I hope to share a little piece of this exciting life with you, and tips and tricks for those of you that are also a Single Spouse.