Being a Single Spouse gets better with time but in the beginning it’s just as hard as wurtzite boron nitride (hardest material in the world diamond is the third hardest). I remember so many feelings flooding in and weighing down on the strings of my heart. It felt unnatural to be apart from him for so long and for so often. He had already taken a couple other trips before but this particular trip was longer than the rest. I did not know what to do with these feelings that were quickly turning into negative emotions. And the best part of the nightmare? He had not even left yet.
We were two weeks out from the day he leaves, I had known for months that he was leaving but it did not affect me until right then. It felt like someone placed a boulder on my heart. My feelings had finally turned to emotions causing physical agony to take over my body. I’m terrified, anxious, sad, angry, and just dramatically overwhelmed and abandoned. These emotions aren’t exactly new to me either, I experienced them before and quite frequently throughout my life, just never really learned how to deal with them.
Anger becomes the strongest emotion, a representative of all the emotions. The tension starts to rise and every little thing starts becoming a life ending anomaly. My world felt like it was coming to an end. There was no way to stop it. There was nothing I could do. He was leaving, that was that. And the most selfish thing about the nightmare? I didn’t stop to remember that i was not the only one going through all these emotions.
Fights broke out, the amount of built up aggression took a nasty toll on both of us. We completely lacked the preparation in order to handle what was at hand. It broke us down, he pulled away as I pushed, it brought us to a nasty breaking point. And since we were not married at that point we agreed I would find somewhere else to live.
A week has passed, the tension and anger has become a ghost gradually fading off into the past. We then started acknowledging that we could not let go of the love we held for each other. Almost as if our fates lead us to each other and interlocked instantly. Sadness and love started to settle in but love was the representative. His beautiful voice started to sing to me as we were locked in each other’s arms. But the worst part of this nightmare? He was still leaving.
The morning was here. It was roughly 3am. I remember doing my best to hold myself strong. But my strength was quickly swept away with the few tears that escaped the windows of my soul. Every fiber of my being was in a desperate rage screaming at me to plead with him not to go. But he hugged me and kissed my forehead, as he did this it was as if he pieced my strength back together just enough to prepare me to watch him leave. And then he was gone.